Writer: Darin Morgan
Director: Rob Bowman
Original Broadcast: AU: 17.07.1996 US: 12.04.1996
Episode Availability: DVD: AU CA UK US
Cast:
Special Agent Dana Scully · Gillian Anderson
Special Agent Fox Mulder · David Duchovny
Guest Cast:
Major Robert Vallee · Terry Arrowsmith
The Stupendous Yappi · Jaap Broeker
Dr Fingers · Alex Diakun
Sergeant Hynek · Michael Dobson
Harold · Jason Gaffney
Roky Crickenson · William Lucking
Dr Hand · Mina E Mina
Lord Kimbo · Tony Morelli
Detective Manners · Larry Musser
Lieutenant Jack Schaeffer · Daniel Quinn
Jose Chung · Charles Nelson Reilly
Chrissy Georgio · Sarah Sawatsky
Second Man in Black · Alex Trebek
CIA Man · Andrew Turner
First Man in Black · Jesse Ventura
Blaine Faulkner · Allan Zinyk
When a couple claims to have been abducted by aliens, Agents Mulder and Scully try to get at the truth but everyone has a different version of the story, including the 'aliens' themselves.
First Alien: "Jack, what is that thing?" [Lord Kimbo, a large hairy one-eyed alien, that moves like a Ray Harryhausen stop motion character]
Second Alien: "How the hell should I know?"
[Scully compliments Jose Chung's on his books]
Jose Chung: "And here I was thinking you were just some... brainy beauty. Now I find out that you also have... good taste."
Scully: "Just as long as you're attempting to record the truth..."
Jose Chung: "Dear god no! How could I possibly do that?"
Detective Manners: "Are you willing to take a lie detector test to prove you were abducted by creatures from outer space."
Harold: "Yes I am."
Detective Manners: "Well too bad. Cause I don't need no lie detector to tell me the only thing you were abducted by were your rampaging hormones, you punk!"
Detective Manners: "Well, thanks a lot! You really bleeped up this case!"
Scully: "Well, of course he didn't actually say 'bleeped', he said —"
Jose Chung: "I'm familiar with Detective Manners' colourful... phrasiology."
Mulder: "You still going to hold the boy?"
Detective Manners: "Oh, you bet your blankety-blank bleep I am!"
Mulder: "He said it happened before the abduction. Well, so what if they had sex?"
Scully: "So we know that it wasn't an alien that probed her."
A long black car that looks like the batmobile screeches to a halt inside Roky Crickenson's garage and two men in black emerge]
First Man in Black: "No other object has been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus."
Roky Crickenson: "Really?"
Roky Crickenson: "That was when I realised something was weird."
Scully: "At which point?"
Roky Crickenson: "You see, normally if two strangers drive into my garage I tell then to get the hell off the property. But this time I didn't. It was like I was in a trance or something."
Roky Crickenson: "You can't threaten me."
First Man in Black: "I just did."
Scully: "In short, Roky showed signs of what is known as a fantasy-prone personality."
Jose Chung: "Agent Scully, you are so kind-hearted. He's a nut."
Detective Manners: "Hey, I just got a call from some crazy blankety-blank claiming he found a real live dead alien body."
Blaine Faulkner: "I hate this town. I hate people. I just want to be taken away to some place where I don't have to worry about... finding a job."
Blaine Faulkner: "...the proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Like, her hair was red... but it was a little too red, you know. And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless. He didn't seem human. I think he was a mandroid. The only time he reacted was when he saw the dead alien."
[Mulder makes a strange high pitched whoop]
Detective Manners: "Yeah, that's a bleeping dead alien body if I ever bleeping saw one."
[Scully is performing an autopsy on the alien]
Scully: "There appears to be two layers of epidermis. There's a metal strip that runs just under the top layer down... It's a zipper!"
Jose Chung: "Aren't you nervous telling me all this after receiving all those death threats."
Blaine Faulkner: "Well, hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage."
Lieutenant Schaeffer: "You ever flown a flying saucer? Afterwards, sex seems trite."
Mulder: "Have you ever found a metal implant in your body?" [Cook shakes his head] "Have you checked everywhere?"
Jose Chung: "Alex Trebek? The game show host?"
Scully: "Mulder didn't say that it was Alex Trebek. It was just someone that looked incredibly like him."
Jose Chung: "Did he? I mean, you were there."
Scully: "Well, not exactly. I don't have any recollection of this. I was surprised to wake up the next morning to find Mulder asleep in my room."
Jose Chung: "Oh!"
Scully: "But, Mulder... I don't even remember letting you in..."
Mulder: "I told you. You didn't let me in. They were already here."
Scully: [answering phone] "Scully. We'll be right there." [to Mulder] "That was Detective Manners. He said they just found your bleeping UFO."
Mulder: "And when presented in the wrong way, in the wrong context, the incidents and the people involved in them can appear foolish... if not downright psychotic."
Jose Chung: "Agent Mulder, this book will be written. But it can only benefit if you can explain something to me."
Mulder: "What's that?"
Jose Chung: "What really happened to those kids on that night?"
Mulder: "How the hell should I know?"
Jose Chung: "As for her partner... a ticking time bomb of insanity, his quest into the unknown has so warped his psyche one shudders to think how he receives any pleasures from life."
Chrissy Georgio: "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"
Harold: "I just wanted to tell you... I still love you."
Chrissy Georgio: "Love... is that all you men think about?"