4X03 Home

Pitcher: Hey, quit complaining. You know, we already had to move home plate because you bitched about the mud.

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[Mulder is playing with a baseball and completely ignoring Scully's description of the scene of crime]

Scully: Meanwhile I've quit the Bureau and become a spokesperson for the Ab-Roller.

[Mulder holds baseball up to Scully's nose]

Mulder: Smell that. That's perfume. Eau de Ball.

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Scully: Mulder, if you had to do without a cell phone for two minutes you'd lapse into catatonic schizophrenia.

Mulder: Scully, you don't know me as well as you think you do. You know, my work demands that I live in a big city, but if I had to settle down, build a home... it'd be in a place like this.

Scully: It'd be like living in Mayberry.

Sheriff Taylor: Agents Mulder and Scully... Hi, I'm Sheriff Andy Taylor.

Mulder: For real?

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Scully: Well, were there any local women who were pregnant and now suddenly aren't?

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Sheriff Taylor: That farm belongs to the Peacock family. Three boys now, well men. I guess you could call them human. Their folks were in a bad car wreck and suppose they died.

Scully: You suppose?

Sheriff Taylor: Well, we tried to administer medical attention, but the boys hauled the bodies away. Took them home. They haven't been seen in ten years, so we suppose they died.

Scully: Have you questioned the men?

Sheriff Taylor: The Peacocks built that farm during the Civil War. Still has no electricity, no running water, no heat. They grow their own food, they raise their own pigs, they breed their own cows. Raise and breed their own stock... if you get my meaning..

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Sheriff Taylor: By the way, this is my deputy, Barney.

Mulder: Fife?

Deputy Paster: [disgruntled] Paster.

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Scully: Oh my god. Mulder, it looks like this child has been afflicted by every rare birth defect known to science.

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Mulder: I guess we can rule out murder as the cause of death, huh?

Scully: I don't know about that. There is evidence of occlusion due to dirt in the nose and mouth, indicating the dirt has been inhaled.

Mulder: There's something rotten in Mayberry.

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Mulder: Is there a history of genetic abnormalities in your family?

Scully: No.

Mulder: Well, just find yourself a man with a spotless genetic make up and a really high tolerance for being second-guessed and start pumping out the little uberScullys.

Scully: What about your family?

Mulder: Aside from the need for corrective lenses or the tendency to be abducted by extraterrestrials involved in an international governmental conspiracy, the Mulder family passes genetic muster.

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Mulder: But Scully, Sheriff Taylor implied that the boys in that family were not really the type that could easily get dates.

Scully: But he also implied that they practiced inbreeding. Now, we all have a natural instinct to propagate.

Mulder: Do we?

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Mulder: Scully... I never saw you as a mother before.

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[Mulder is waving the rabbit ears around in an attempt to tune the television]

Scully: You still planning on making a home here.

Mulder: No. Not if I can't get the Knicks game.

Scully: Well, just as long as a berline infanticide doesn't weigh into your decision... Good night Mulder.

Mulder: Good night Mom.

Scully: Mulder, this lock is broken.

Mulder: You don't have to lock your doors around here.

[When Scully leaves Mulder props a chair under the door handle]

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Mulder: This chest is one big haematoma. Wood shavings imbedded in what's left of the cranium. They really went caveman on them.

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Deputy Paster: I'll take you out there. Then it's three against three. Then... [He pulls out his gun] This... should give us the advantage. [He leaves the house]

Mulder: Uh, that was a little bit too Chuck Bronson for me, Scully.

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[Mulder is trying to push the pigs out of their enclosure]

Mulder: Scully, would you think me less of me as a man if I told you I was a kind of excited right now? There some secret farmer trick to get these things moving?

Scully: I don't know. Baa-ram-ewe. Baa-ram-ewe.

Mulder: Yeah, that'll work.

Scully: I babysat my nephew this weekend. He watches Babe fifteen times a day.

Mulder: And people call me Spooky.

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Mulder: Oh no! [Mulder pouts holding up a newspaper for Scully to see]

Elvis Presley dead at 42

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Scully: Way I think it goes here is that Edmund is the brother and the father of the other two.

Mulder: Which means that when Edmund was a kid he could ground the other two for playing with his things?