4X20 Small Potatoes

Nurse: Now is there anyone you need us to contact? The father of the baby?

Amanda Nelligan: I'm not sure how to get a hold of him.

Nurse: If you give me his name I can try.

Amanda Nelligan: You know, he's not from around here.

Nurse: Is he from out of state?

Amanda Nelligan: Another planet.

---

[Holding up new-born baby that has a tail]

Dr Pugh: Good lord. Not another one.

---

Scully: So what else about this interests you? Could it be... visitors from space. [Holding up an Enquirer-like magazine]

---

Amanda Nelligan: He dropped by my apartment one day and... one thing sort of led to another.

Mulder: But the baby's father is an alien.

Amanda Nelligan: No, no, I didn't say he was an alien. I said he's from another planet. His name is Luke Skywalker. He's what is known as a Jedi knight.

Scully: Did he have a lightsabre?

Amanda Nelligan: No, he didn't bring it. He did sing his song for me though. [Hums the theme to Star Wars]

Scully: How many times have you seen Star Wars, Amanda?

Amanda Nelligan: 368. I should break 400 by Memorial Day. [Mulder leaves]

Scully: Okay. Thank you.

Amanda Nelligan: Oh, wait a minute. Wait. You know these... these four other babies that were... born around here with tails.

Scully: Uh huh.

Amanda Nelligan: There couldn't be any chance... Luke's the father, is there?

---

Mulder: Take your best shot, Scully, but I think there's more going on here than Luke Skywalker and his lightsabre.

---

Mulder: How would this happen?

Scully: Birds and the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.

Mulder: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MDs do it. All five women shared the same OBGYN didn't they?

Scully: Well, yeah. He's the only one in town.

Mulder: And four of the five women — the four married women, not including Amanda Nelligan — are on record as receiving insemination therapy as a means of conception.

Scully: So you're thinking that the doctor might have something to do with it.

Mulder: So much for not putting all your eggs in one basket.

---

Fred Neeman: Baboo, look, just let me do the talking, all right? I'll handle it.

Mrs Neeman: Just tell him we're going to sue.

[Mulder and Scully arrive at the same time]

Fred Neeman: Ah, you too huh?

---

Fred Neeman: It's bad enough having a boy with a tail, then you find out it's not even yours! [Notices Mulder and Scully standing behind the group of angry parents] For god's sake, Alton, how many of us are there?

---

Mrs Neeman: I haven't been with a man since 1989! I mean not counting you, honey.

---

[Mulder tackles a running Edward Van Blundht in the hallway and they slide to a stop at Scully's feet amid the group of parents. The scar from the removal of a tail is visible]

Mulder: Scully, check it out.

Mrs Neeman: Oh my god. That's him? He's the one?

---

Scully: [to Edward Van Blundht] Five out of five.

---

Mulder: Oh, so you're saying there was romance involved?

Edward Van Blundht: Why is that so hard to believe? Just cause I was born with a tail no woman would want me? Maybe I got personality. Ever think of that?

---

Mulder: If you're waiting for my usual theory as to what's going on, I don't have it.

Scully: I do. On behalf of all the women in the world, I seriously doubt this has anything to do with consensual sex.

---

Mulder: Yeah, but when and where would he have had the opportunity to slip it to them?

Scully: Well, he identified these women through his janitorial job at the medical park. He could have followed them anywhere, to a club, to a bar.

Mulder: Those women don't look like the type who do a lot of solo drinking.

---

Mulder: I have a theory, if you want to hear it?

Scully: Van Blundht somehow physically transformed into his captor then walked out the door leaving no one the wiser?

Mulder: Scully, should we be picking out china patterns or what?

Scully: Mulder, why can't you just go for the simple answer. With that blow to the head, the deputy might just as well identified McGruff the Crime Dog as his attacker.

---

Scully: But what are you saying? That Van Blundht is an alien?

Mulder: Not unless they have trailer parks in space.

---

Mulder: Hey Scully, if you could be somebody else for a day, who would it be?

Scully: Hopefully myself.

Mulder: That's so boring... I mean wouldn't you even be tempted to try out someone else's existence for a day? Live your life as somebody else?

Scully: Looking like someone else, Mulder, and being someone else are completely different things.

Mulder: Well, maybe it's not. I mean everybody else around you would treat you like you were somebody else. I mean, ultimately, maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are.

Scully: All right then... Eleanor Roosevelt.

Mulder: Can't be a dead person.

Scully: Why the hell not?

Mulder: Because...

---

Mulder: Is this you? [Indicating the Eddie the Monkey Man circus poster]

Edward Van Blundht Sr: One and the same! [Starts to pull down pants] Hey, you want to see?

Scully: No. No, no thank you.

Edward Van Blundht Sr: My son had his removed when he was just a kid. Kept bugging me and bugging me. Until... until I finally let him do it. There you go. [Hands Mulder a magazine with the cover story The Tail of the TAIL] I told him it was a mistake. I said, Son, you ain't much to look at. You ain't no athlete and you sure the hell ain't no Einstein, but at least you got that tail. Otherwise you're just small potatoes. But he didn't listen.

---

[Edward Van Blundht bolts and disappears]

Mulder: Pretty spry for an old guy, huh?

---

[Edward Van Blundht has walked into the Neeman's bathroom by impersonating Fred Neeman]

Edward Van Blundht: Uh, I'll explain later. Just give me a little privacy, okay? Baboo?

Mrs Neeman: Okay. Sugar-patootie.

---

[Mulder opens the access hatch to the attic and a desiccated corpse with a tail drops to the ground]

Mulder: Not so spry. You think the fall killed him?

---

[Fred Neeman arrives home and the Neeman's start to wonder who is in their bathroom. Edward Van Blundht steps out of the bathroom and arranges a serious expression on his face]

Mulder: It's all clear.

---

[Entering the morgue, Mulder sees Scully cutting the corpse with a bone saw, he covers his coffee]

Mulder: So what killed Eddie the Monkey Man?

---

Scully: This man's body is quite a scientific experiment and thankfully it's preserved and intact. [Examining the tail, Mulder accidentally snaps it in half. He continues talking to Scully while trying to arrange the tail so Scully won't notice. When Mulder leaves the morgue, the tail drops to the floor and Scully stares at it oddly]

---

Amanda Nelligan: You know, I thought they would let me stay so long in the hospital because I had really really great insurance. Turns out they're just keeping me because they think I'm sort of crazy. They want to make sure I'm safe to be around my baby.

Mulder: Free cable...

---

Amanda Nelligan: Well, he was no Luke, that's for sure. Why do you want to know about Eddie?

Mulder: That's official FBI business.

---

Mulder: [to Amanda Nelligan] I was just here... Where did I go?

---

Mulder: I know I dragged you out here, Scully, but I'm beginning to think this whole thing is just a waste of time.

Scully: Now you think there is no X-File here?

Mulder: No... no. I think the only thing that's here is... small potatoes.

---

Skinner: Which one of you wrote this?

Mulder: I did, Sir.

Skinner: You spelled Federal Bureau of Investigation wrong.

Mulder: It's a typo.

Skinner: Twice.

---

[Edward Van Blundht picks up the name plate on Mulder's desk]

Mulder: Fox? Brother... [Taking Mulder's seat, he props his feet up on the desk and nearly falls out of the chair. He looks at the walls of the office] Good night! This where all my tax dollars go? Where do I live? [Looking through Mulder's suit he checks the badge before looking in his wallet for a licence]

Mulder, Fox
42-2630 Hegal Place
Alexandria, VA 23242

---

[Edward Van Blundht looks around Mulder's apartment]

Mulder: Where the hell do I sleep? [He plays the answering machine messages]

Langly: Mulder, Langly. You got to see this! An online associate of ours, who will remain anonymous, has figured out a way to digitise the Zapruder footage so he can extrapolate a bird's eye view of the Dealy Plaza at the exact moment of the assassination. And you'll never believe where the third shot came from!

Frohike: Tell him about the cheesesteaks!

Langly: Oh, yeah, and Frohike, Byers and me are going out for cheesesteaks. Are you down with that? Uh, erase this once you hear it.

Mulder: Geeks for friends...

---

[Edward Van Blundht practices Mulder in the mirror]

Mulder: [flashing badge] FBI. F... B... I... [Notices badge is upside down and rights it] FBI. You looking at me? [Looks around] There ain't nobody else here, you must be looking at me. You want a piece of this? [Shows gun in holster, draws it and drops the clip on floor. He picks it up, tries to replace it backwards before getting it right. Replaces gun back in holster and straightens himself out] You're a damn good looking man.

---

Scully: Well, I'm seeing a whole new side to you, Mulder.

Mulder: Is that a good thing?

Scully: I like it.

---

[Edward Van Blundht leans in to kiss Scully. Mulder breaks in. Scully turns and looks wide-eyed from Mulder to Mulder, freaks and jumps away from the couch. Mulder melds back to Van Blundht and shrugs]

---

Mulder: What's with the hat? [Baseball cap that says Superstar!]

Edward Van Blundht: My court appointed therapist makes me wear it. She says it's meant to bolster my self-esteem.

Mulder: Does it?

Edward Van Blundht: Not really. The other inmates just beat me up and take it from me, which would be okay except every week she brings me a new hat! Plus they keep me on some kind of muscle relaxant so I... I can't make faces the way I used to. Did you tell them to do that? [Mulder doesn't answer] Is uh, is Agent Scully here?

Mulder: What did you want to talk to me about, Eddie?

Edward Van Blundht: I just think it's funny. I was born a loser, but you're one by choice.

Mulder: On what do you base that astute assessment?

Edward Van Blundht: Experience. You should live a little. Treat yourself. God knows I would, if I were you.

---

Scully: I don't imagine you need to be told this, Mulder. But you're not a loser.

Mulder: Yeah, but I'm no Eddie Van Blundht either. Am I?